The I-Zero Salesman

 Once upon a time, in a company not so far away, I had the pleasure (or perhaps the misfortune) of working for a brief period. The promoter, bless his heart, was a classic "jack of all trades, master of none." This guy fancied himself a human lie detector, but instead of reading micro-expressions, he relied on one thing: the almighty DISC test. For the uninitiated, DISC is a personality assessment tool where D stands for Dominance, I for Influence, S for Stability, and C for Compliance. And let me tell you, this promoter swore by it like it was the secret to eternal youth.

Now, if there’s one thing every good salesperson knows, it’s that a high "C" (Compliance) is about as useful as a chocolate teapot in a sales role. Seriously, can you imagine a salesman who follows all the rules? That’s like expecting a cat to fetch your slippers. I was fresh off my stint at Byju’s, where I’d practically thrown every rulebook out the window to close deals. In the world of sales, when the numbers are climbing, no one cares if you’re coloring outside the lines. But back to the story—when I was handed the DISC test, I knew my C score was going to be as low as a limbo champion. My D (Dominance) and I (Influence) were going to be through the roof. But since this gig was a management-level role, I had to pull a fast one. I decided to tweak my results, aiming for a high C, even if it meant sacrificing some D and I.

Being a doctorate in AI with a specialization in neural schematics (fancy, right?), manipulating this test was child’s play. I got the results I needed, landed the job, and then the fun began. The promoter, bless his misguided soul, couldn’t help but poke fun at my "lack of influence and dominance." He even suggested I take courses to improve my "I" and "D." If only he knew the truth! Meanwhile, I was quietly setting the sales world on fire. In just three months, I matched the company’s entire previous year’s sales. How? By breaking more rules than a rock star in a hotel room. I tweaked marketing campaigns—sometimes with permission, sometimes with a wink and a nod. Even the Digital Marketing agency had no idea what hit them. I rode every lazy salesperson like a rodeo cowboy, ensuring they hit their targets. I empowered the pre-sales team, turning them into a lean, mean, lead-generating machine.

The result? Sales figures that shattered records and left everyone wondering if I’d sold my soul to the devil. But as with all good things, my time there was short-lived. After three months, I decided I’d had enough of the promoter’s silly antics. Two reasons: one, he never paid me my well-deserved incentives (seriously, who does that?), and two, his decision-making was veering into “should be studied by psychologists” territory. I left on a high note, having done the impossible—selling a ₹2 crore product on a virtual call and setting up record-breaking meetings with a 20% conversion rate.

After I left, the exodus began. Almost everyone with a brain at that company followed me to my new venture, including the CEO, who even invested in it. So, this "I-Zero" salesman, who was supposedly low on influence, ended up influencing the entire company to follow him. The legend of the I-Zero Salesman grew so much that even after I left, employees kept calling me for advice and career guidance. The void I left is still gaping, and the sales records I set remain unbroken.

The moral of the story? Never, and I mean never, evaluate a salesperson using DISC scores. Salespeople are too crafty for that nonsense. Respect the salesperson for the results they deliver. A good salesperson is like a rebellious teenager—sensitive inside, reckless outside, and that’s what makes them great at sales. No test can measure a salesperson’s true value; only the sales numbers at the end of the quarter can do that. So, stop wasting time with DISC tests and start judging salespeople by their performance—they’re way too smart for your silly little personality tests.